#12: Birds

 

Photo by Sentrawood courtesy of Flickr

Dear Birds,

Apparently you think you are special. You think you can get up at 5 a.m. every single day and start chirping your brains out and waking everybody up. Well, I have news for you: 

a) You’re not special. Have you ever heard of airplanes? Or space shuttles? Or dandelion fluff floating on the breeze? You’re not the only ones who can fly, Birds, so get over yourselves.

b) Your feathers aren’t that rad, either. Hello? Have you not seen Joseph and the Technicolour Dreamcoat? Have you not noticed the wonders of chemical dyes? We can make way cooler colours than you and we can change them every single day. Unlike SOME people (I mean, birds.)

c) You think that people swoon over your “songs?” Listen. If any “musician” got on stage and squawked out the same word in the same pitch for about two hours solid, let me tell you, he wouldn’t last long. Are you seriously trying to attract a mate with that racket? Why don’t you try batting your silent eyelashes instead? Oh. That’s right — you don’t HAVE eyelashes.

So basically, what I’m saying, Birds, is that your game is up. You’re a one trick pony, and this is the end of the line for the pony express. 

Oh, and also, have you noticed that earthworms are BLIND? You eat BLIND things. Things that can only get away from you by inching away slowly in the dirt. 

I’ve seriously had enough of your despicable, attention-seeking behaviour. No one wants to hear your lame-o songs except for Rachel Carson, and she’s dead.

Yours,

The Goat

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